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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2014 11:18:41 GMT -5
Critical Review:I'm just going to focus on your shoot here because everything else is PERFECT! Whenever you write your shoot, you want to make sure that there is ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT in the match judges mind that you're going to walk out the winner. Even if you are the smallest guy walking in to the ring, you want your opponents to feel like they are little girls. You want to make them feel less than that...maybe like a toddler, infant, or a fetus maybe? Your shoot on Eli Sykes was perfect. You let him know the only reason he's something is because he had to send a message by taking you out of commission with that chair shot. You told him the only reason he's hot right now is because of you...but you're the water that's coming to wash it all away. I feel like the content you do have in your shoot is good...just expand on it a little bit. Don't just give the readers a basic gist of how you feel about your opponents. Take that shit and run with it. Suggestions:
- Strong shoot throughout. Keep the talk tough even if it's in your CD pieces. Silver Kazama is a guy with a lot of history, especially with Black Man. You can bring the talk tough because you were the EHWF Mayhem Champion and you're allowed too. If anyone makes you feel differently, punch them the fug out. My only defense to this, is that by the time I finished all of my CD work. I was at like 6k words. I didn't have a lot of room for a shoot, or I risked going over the 7k limit. As it is I ended at 7400 words. I had to edit a lot of stuff in the last hour before posting...No real excuse, really. Just a reason for the lack of meat. My shoots are always my weak points. I feel as though I come up with some good CD material, though.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2014 11:21:49 GMT -5
Critical Review:I'm just going to focus on your shoot here because everything else is PERFECT! Whenever you write your shoot, you want to make sure that there is ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT in the match judges mind that you're going to walk out the winner. Even if you are the smallest guy walking in to the ring, you want your opponents to feel like they are little girls. You want to make them feel less than that...maybe like a toddler, infant, or a fetus maybe? Your shoot on Eli Sykes was perfect. You let him know the only reason he's something is because he had to send a message by taking you out of commission with that chair shot. You told him the only reason he's hot right now is because of you...but you're the water that's coming to wash it all away. I feel like the content you do have in your shoot is good...just expand on it a little bit. Don't just give the readers a basic gist of how you feel about your opponents. Take that shit and run with it. Suggestions:
- Strong shoot throughout. Keep the talk tough even if it's in your CD pieces. Silver Kazama is a guy with a lot of history, especially with Black Man. You can bring the talk tough because you were the EHWF Mayhem Champion and you're allowed too. If anyone makes you feel differently, punch them the fug out. My only defense to this, is that by the time I finished all of my CD work. I was at like 6k words. I didn't have a lot of room for a shoot, or I risked going over the 7k limit. As it is I ended at 7400 words. I had to edit a lot of stuff in the last hour before posting...No real excuse, really. Just a reason for the lack of meat. My shoots are always my weak points. I feel as though I come up with some good CD material, though. Yeah dude, your CD is killer. It's all good and none of it felt out of place. Something you could try is write out your CD pieces and then split it up in to two RPs. That way you have most of the road mapped out for both of your RP's, then you could just go in and fill in the rest with shoot. Just a suggestion, but you could give it a shot and see how it feels for you. You had nothing to defend, really. What shoot you did have was amazing. I just want to see more of it because it's that damn good. The shoot is what will get you the W's...if that's what you're in to.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2014 19:56:00 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2014 23:02:37 GMT -5
RP: Downward Spiral Handler: Rose Overview Thoughts: Rose digging deep and letting the guys in the locker room she's not to be fucked with. RP Breakdown Scene Description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Overall Rating: 5 out of 5!!!
Critical Review: This is pretty much perfect. You have perfect CD, SD, and shoot all mixed together to blend up the perfect RP. It's the perfect length that won't lose the readers attention halfway through because you kept match relevancy throughout. Maybe expand on your shoot for Savannah a little more. Even if your character has to be assuming about Savannah. You might not know anything about her personally. Explore that cranium and see what it can come up with. Hashtag Alpha Female Hashtag Real Talk Suggestions: - You got it! Just keep using it!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2014 9:19:58 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2014 12:16:50 GMT -5
RP: PAINE Handler: Jason Dave Overview thoughts: A REALLY good piece that was kind of hard to read. RP BreakdownScene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 3 Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 Critical Review:Everything in this RP was really good. The CD was good, the scene description was good, and the shoot was awesome... But it was so hard to read. I'm not saying it was written poorly...I just had a hard time reading the italicized/colored text against this black background. The text was also thinned out too, maybe dropped to a smaller font size. I had to zoom the page in to read it and I still kind of had to squint to see what some words were. Suggestions:- Keep up everything story-wise you did in this RP. It was spot on with CD and match relevancy. - Change the layout for your RP so it's more comfortable for other people reading it. Nobodies going to be able to enjoy your work with the way this RP is coded.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2014 21:41:36 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2014 17:27:04 GMT -5
RP:
Jet Lag and Comparisons Handler: Savannah Overview thoughts: Savannah working it out so-so. RP Breakdown
Scene description:
3 Character Development: 4 Shoot:
4 Flow: 3 Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Critical Review: I'm not going to put anything too critical here. I feel like what you had was good stuff but you worked your RP out at the last minute (I noticed it was up passed deadline). Everything was pretty good but it seems like procrastination killed you here, lol, but I know real life comes before e-fedding for sure. If it helps, I sometimes work out a few pieces of my RP here and there (even if I feel unmotivated to do so). I've had some people tell me my work was good even when I felt like it was poop, personally. Sometimes you'll surprise yourself when you go back and reread it. I've come up with some of my best material on the fly like that and whenever you think about it too hard, it puts a lot of pressure on you to come up with something to meet your own expectations. All in all, this piece was good framework. Next time, you can just expand your content and you will have a real "5 out of 5" on your hands. I hope you didn't take this negatively or anything. Your writing is really good and I'm looking forward to seeing more of it! Suggestions:
- Take some of that pressure off of your shoulders. Relax and have fun whenever you're writing!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2014 17:30:08 GMT -5
(Here we go guys. Here's the new criteria for an RP review. I made match relevancy an area on the review because I notice a lot of people struggle with it. I know every line in your RP shouldn't be about your match but you have to maintain some sort of focus on it if you want to get those "W"s)
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RP:
Handler:
Overview thoughts:
RP Breakdown
Scene description:
Character Development:
Shoot:
Flow:
Match Relevancy:
Overall Rating: out of 5
Critical Review:
Suggestions:
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2014 12:51:38 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2014 4:04:26 GMT -5
You've got shit to read, Evan. To be honest, though, I disappointed myself with the last two scenes.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2014 11:55:59 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2014 12:12:04 GMT -5
RP: A Woman With A Weapon Handler: Rose Overview thoughts: Awesome RP with a really creative shoot setting. RP BreakdownScene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Flow: 5 Shoot: 5 Match Relevancy: 5 Overall Rating: 5 out of 5!!! Critical Review: Again, I'm not trying to toot your horn or anything...but this is the perfect RP. It has the perfect length so the reader doesn't lose interest halfway through. Also, the scene description goes far in setting up the atmosphere to the shoot. With Rose sitting off the edge of the roof, it feels like she's still teetering on the edge no matter how much she says she has her shit under control. I feel like it's still there, buried underneath. The shoot concept you took with the film reel on the side of the building is very creative and it paid off. It felt like the scene off of "Be Kind, Rewind" where they're watching the movie they made and the entire town is watching. It was a really subtle thing that made the whole scene worthwhile. It made the match feel more like a big fight off of this one RP alone. Let's hope your opponents reciprocate and this one should be Match of the Week, in my opinion. Suggestions:- None. A+ RP
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2014 19:39:30 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2014 20:49:00 GMT -5
RP: The One And The Many Handler: D MF' GS Overview thoughts: David being too much of a beast? Is it possible? RP Breakdown
Scene description: 5 Character Development:5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Match Relevancy: 5 Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 Critical Review:David, my man. My faux brother from anotha' motha. This RP is phenomenal. My personal favorite scene was the voice over segment while he's watching his brother from afar. I could feel the tension slowly building each time the voices came in to the piece. My least favorite was when he mentioned his family and JAMES AND ROMAN DIDN'T EVEN COME UP ONCE!!! Just kidding. This piece was absolutely incredible. If you're planning on posting a 2nd, you'll have this match wrapped up with a neat little bow on top. Suggestions:
- None. Except, don't forget your family David
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2014 21:35:06 GMT -5
Review mine, sovereign! Please
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2014 3:06:43 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2014 11:15:22 GMT -5
Review mine, sovereign! Please RP: Sovereign Handler: Rain Overview Thoughts: A pretty good piece with a few minor glitches. RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 4 Flow: 3 Match Relevancy: 5 Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 Critical Review: Everything was pretty good in this RP. The only thing that didn't cut my jib was the fact that you had an in character interviewer asking you OOC questions. If Alexander Corvis is doing an interview, I don't think Rain would be talking about "oh, we hope this gimmick works" and "yeah, we're hoping the storyline takes off". It's just these kinds of things in your promo that really hinder it. I don't think I've ever heard a real wrestler talk about "yeah we're doing this storyline but if it doesn't work out we're gonna cut it..." Other than that, everything was pretty rock solid. Suggestions: - You're pretty talented. Just have to cut out the OOC/IC blurring. It's ok to do it every now and then but try to use it more creatively.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2014 11:21:18 GMT -5
RP: The Sovereignty||Part IX Handler: Chris DeAngelo Overview thoughts: THIS IS IT! RP Breakdown Scene description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 Match Relevancy: 5 Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 Critical Review: YOU DID IT JOEY!!! You got the 5 out of 5 and this is why you deserve it. //REBECCA WALTS\\ Well, I mean, you’re a wrestler. In your business, the slander and trash talking is one of the signature aspects.
//CHRIS DEANGELO\\ You’re right. In wrestling, there is a lot of slander. People bicker back and forth, slandering one another over anything and everything. However, there’s a difference between slandering and simply being truthful. I do not slander. Take, for example, when I say I will defeat Rose, Handsome Devil and Conner Creed, I’m not slandering. When I preach how I’ll leave them in a pool of their blood, gasping for any ounce of breath, I’m not trash talking. When I promise that I will still be EHWF Hardcore Champion after contending with those three, I’m not pulling shit out of my rear. Why? Because it’s factual. I’m better than every last one of those people. Rose, I’ve defeated before. She can talk as much smack as she wants, make as many promises as she wants, but that fact remains true. Rose had her shot, and she let it loose. I’m better than Rose, I’ve proven it. She didn’t defeat me then, she won’t defeat me now. I understand Rose must be feeling a new jolt of energy, a bit of confidence considering management saw her efforts good enough to get another shot, but the end will be just the same as it was before. I’ll be Hardcore Champion and she’ll hate herself. She’ll be disappointed in herself yet again. As she should. Maybe, this second time will be the charm. Perhaps she’ll get the hint that she’s just not that good. Hopefully, she’ll stop trying as soon as possible, because it’s going to hurt more and more as the time goes on. Unfortunately for her, I find no shame or sympathy when I conquer her, and when she feels those feelings because of it. It’s simply the price you pay when you have step in the ring with me. This response right here wraps you CD and your shoot in to one neat package. Everything else from here is just DeAngelo being badass. He's got the world on a string, if you know what I mean?
The length is perfect. It's just the right amount to not lose the readers interest. That's what were all about, huh?
Suggestions: - Write RP's like this one all the time.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2014 11:48:59 GMT -5
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