Post by sincmercier on May 6, 2012 18:29:44 GMT -5
Alright Korey. As I said, I'm honest with my feedback, and I separate the negatives from the positives. Let's start with the negatives.
Firstly, the very first thing that struck at me was the slang use and your character repeatedly saying the word "nigga." Now...in my past fed experiences over the course of four years that would have gotten you in trouble. I'm guessing this fed is more lenient on that. I don't know your character very well Korey, but I DO know that any time you use slang or anything like that, it's open game for ammo for me or someone else to come out in a promo and completely annihilate you for it. For example, my character is a loud mouth. For loud mouths and comedy based caricatures, they can easily use such an aspect to take you down verbally.
A large tattooed up wrestler that has a mohawk the size of Mount Everest and a jersey shore look about him, I'd think saying such a term will get you a whole block of promo totally gunning you down for it. That goes for any slang or racist/sexist terms that I've heard a zillion times. And every time, a whole storm of verbal destruction follows assuredly afterwards by the opponent. So be careful with the usage there. It's one thing if that is the character's personality, it's another to focus TOO much on it.
Loud mouths, comedy characters, anybody that has been around the RP block once or twice knows from fact that the key to winning is attacking everything they can and making it believable because they sell the point so well. Your character from the pic base and the way he talks phonetically creates easy ammo because his dialogue and personality is so strange and different from his physical demeanor. Just being honest.
Next is using a past segment for your RP and pasting it word for word. Honestly, to me, that shows a lack of patience and professionalism and just a way to add more of a word count to your RP. In that case, I would have summarized it in your dialogue; for example:
Wrestler: "You mentioned some time ago that you were the best. Your ego was so bloated my grandma's breast implants couldn't even hold a candle to the inflation. Well let me remind you yada yada yada history history history point proven point proven point proven."
Something along those lines. And to add to it, when you do that, it also looks like your lazy. Your just simply replying to an RP. That cuts half the challenge from a fresh RP, because all you have to do, is reply to it and do the whole generic "YOUR WRONG I'M RIGHT! Here's why." Type thing. In my past experience, that's something else that wasn't allowed, we called it "Replying." Also, see "RP Sniping" that's kinda the same category there, except more last minute.
Finally, your character was generic. He focused on one whole point in the entire RP making it less creative and far too common. He went in circles about how he's the best, how he's better, the prototypical wrestler rant. And I wasn't a fan. That's way too popular with wrestlers, and to me, that shows no uniqueness, no taste, just the same old song and dance.
There has to be a niche, a passion, a drive for other things, for more of an imaginative approach than the usual "IM THE BEST! WOOOOOOOO!" Ric Flair persona. Although your character is far from Flair, bear with me, only an example. Show me more of a depth to the character, show me WHY I should bother to follow his promos every week if it's just the same thing?
Lastly grammar. Spell check is your friend. I usually don't point this out if it's not noticeable, and again, I don't know how this fed is with misspellings, but it was noticeable enough. That is all. Simple fix.
Now for the positives.
You know your character, and you know what he wants. And there is indeed a focus there, and an aspiration, an envy in your words. There was a bit too much of it at times, but as a handler you know your character better than anyone else, and you know how he would react to things, and how he handles things as an individual.
You kept with a gimmick and you let the reader know what kind of a person he is. The I dont give a damn, I'm going to destroy you kinda guy. You were clear with your motives and what you wanted to say. In ANY RP it's always good to go in with a plan and a motive.
Next positive is you kept consistent character development. You included your other character and you made him interact with some humor and a nice pace making conversation for the RP. I personally would have made him argue with Korey's language or give Korey kind of a hard time over the match even for kicks, just something small like that to add a twist to the art piece, but that's more personal than anything I believe.
Consistent description, good transitions, and good flow. I liked that the transitioning for the past segment wasn't just a toss in. You hinted you were going to acknowledge and talk about a past conversation or event, and you transitioned into it well. The dialogue flowed nicely, it wasn't too long, too bland, too short, or too hindered. The dialogue and description went well together, I saw no issues there.
I believe that's it my friend! Again I hope none of this was too harsh or too long. I do all my feedback like this. I hope I was insightful! Good RP my friend, I look forward to see how you do next time and to see how you apply my suggestions, if you so choose.
Firstly, the very first thing that struck at me was the slang use and your character repeatedly saying the word "nigga." Now...in my past fed experiences over the course of four years that would have gotten you in trouble. I'm guessing this fed is more lenient on that. I don't know your character very well Korey, but I DO know that any time you use slang or anything like that, it's open game for ammo for me or someone else to come out in a promo and completely annihilate you for it. For example, my character is a loud mouth. For loud mouths and comedy based caricatures, they can easily use such an aspect to take you down verbally.
A large tattooed up wrestler that has a mohawk the size of Mount Everest and a jersey shore look about him, I'd think saying such a term will get you a whole block of promo totally gunning you down for it. That goes for any slang or racist/sexist terms that I've heard a zillion times. And every time, a whole storm of verbal destruction follows assuredly afterwards by the opponent. So be careful with the usage there. It's one thing if that is the character's personality, it's another to focus TOO much on it.
Loud mouths, comedy characters, anybody that has been around the RP block once or twice knows from fact that the key to winning is attacking everything they can and making it believable because they sell the point so well. Your character from the pic base and the way he talks phonetically creates easy ammo because his dialogue and personality is so strange and different from his physical demeanor. Just being honest.
Next is using a past segment for your RP and pasting it word for word. Honestly, to me, that shows a lack of patience and professionalism and just a way to add more of a word count to your RP. In that case, I would have summarized it in your dialogue; for example:
Wrestler: "You mentioned some time ago that you were the best. Your ego was so bloated my grandma's breast implants couldn't even hold a candle to the inflation. Well let me remind you yada yada yada history history history point proven point proven point proven."
Something along those lines. And to add to it, when you do that, it also looks like your lazy. Your just simply replying to an RP. That cuts half the challenge from a fresh RP, because all you have to do, is reply to it and do the whole generic "YOUR WRONG I'M RIGHT! Here's why." Type thing. In my past experience, that's something else that wasn't allowed, we called it "Replying." Also, see "RP Sniping" that's kinda the same category there, except more last minute.
Finally, your character was generic. He focused on one whole point in the entire RP making it less creative and far too common. He went in circles about how he's the best, how he's better, the prototypical wrestler rant. And I wasn't a fan. That's way too popular with wrestlers, and to me, that shows no uniqueness, no taste, just the same old song and dance.
There has to be a niche, a passion, a drive for other things, for more of an imaginative approach than the usual "IM THE BEST! WOOOOOOOO!" Ric Flair persona. Although your character is far from Flair, bear with me, only an example. Show me more of a depth to the character, show me WHY I should bother to follow his promos every week if it's just the same thing?
Lastly grammar. Spell check is your friend. I usually don't point this out if it's not noticeable, and again, I don't know how this fed is with misspellings, but it was noticeable enough. That is all. Simple fix.
Now for the positives.
You know your character, and you know what he wants. And there is indeed a focus there, and an aspiration, an envy in your words. There was a bit too much of it at times, but as a handler you know your character better than anyone else, and you know how he would react to things, and how he handles things as an individual.
You kept with a gimmick and you let the reader know what kind of a person he is. The I dont give a damn, I'm going to destroy you kinda guy. You were clear with your motives and what you wanted to say. In ANY RP it's always good to go in with a plan and a motive.
Next positive is you kept consistent character development. You included your other character and you made him interact with some humor and a nice pace making conversation for the RP. I personally would have made him argue with Korey's language or give Korey kind of a hard time over the match even for kicks, just something small like that to add a twist to the art piece, but that's more personal than anything I believe.
Consistent description, good transitions, and good flow. I liked that the transitioning for the past segment wasn't just a toss in. You hinted you were going to acknowledge and talk about a past conversation or event, and you transitioned into it well. The dialogue flowed nicely, it wasn't too long, too bland, too short, or too hindered. The dialogue and description went well together, I saw no issues there.
I believe that's it my friend! Again I hope none of this was too harsh or too long. I do all my feedback like this. I hope I was insightful! Good RP my friend, I look forward to see how you do next time and to see how you apply my suggestions, if you so choose.