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Post by dgs on Oct 7, 2011 17:38:09 GMT -5
Hey, everyone. Thought I'd go ahead and offer to provide feedback on RPs for anyone who wants it. If you do, go ahead and reply to this thread saying so.
Please provide a link to the RP you want me to critique, and also specify whether you'd like your feedback to be public (here in the thread) or private (via PM). Note that if I get a lot of people wanting feedback, I'll try to be as quick as I can, but I'm not promising a lightning-fast turnaround.
DISCLAIMER: Don't think of this as a way to get your ego inflated, because it's not. If you ask me for feedback, I'm going to talk about what I liked and what I didn't like about the RP in question.
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Post by flynn on Oct 7, 2011 18:29:55 GMT -5
Can't exactly acess the link, but yeah I had posted my rp first apparently. Public feedback preferred.
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Post by dgs on Oct 7, 2011 21:13:26 GMT -5
Feedback - Mike Flynn
The first thing I noticed was the text color. The colors you chose for dialogue are fine, but the dark-red you use for everything else is kinda hard to see against the black background, which makes it bit of a chore to read. Something a bit lighter is an easy fix.
Now, on to the promo itself. I liked the general idea, a returning vet who worries he won't be able to hang with a younger, fitter talent. That said, the dialogue came off as forced and unnatural in some places. I know you wanted to convey Flynn's concern over his match with Hughes, but you came on kind of strong - there are other, more subtle ways to convey thought and emotion than having the character blatantly say how he feels.
Other than that, I thought it was a good promo. You got across the message you wanted to and successfully conveyed Flynn's doubt. It was a nice divergence from the standard RP formula that sees characters completely no-sell everything about their opponents.
Some suggestions for next time:
- Use a lighter, easier-to-read text color.
- Work on crafting dialogue that sounds smoother, more natural, etc.
DISCLAIMER: Any and all feedback expressed is solely my opinion. All I'm trying to do is help people become better writers; if at any time I receive malicious or indignant responses from someone, that individual will not get feedback again, period.
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Post by twistedthor on Oct 7, 2011 21:34:50 GMT -5
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Post by dgs on Oct 8, 2011 23:26:15 GMT -5
Feedback - Sah'ta Thor
First of all, this RP is very technically sound. I noticed very few errors in grammar and/or coding, which is always good.
Now, the content. It's a little, um...boy, I don't know. I've read some wrestling promos that are a bit out-there, but Thor being contracted to lead a military operation into Columbia takes the cake, bar-none.
I guess there's nothing really wrong with telling a story like that, but the sheer unbelievability of a professional wrestler leading soldiers into combat (nevermind that it's a wrestler who also heads a multi-billion dollar international corporation that doesn't seem to do anything) kind of took me out of the story.
I offer the following example: say I, in my next RP, had the head of NASA contact DGS and say that the U.S. government wanted him to be the first wrestler in space. Would you buy that? I wouldn't.
Again, there's nothing really wrong with it, and I can't tell you how or what to write. But a successful character is a believable character, and the best way to make the character believable is to have the story be believable. And just so there's no confusion, a wrestler-vampire-CEO overseeing military Spec Ops isn't believable.
Suggestions for next time:
- None, really. Just because the military angle isn't my cup of tea doesn't mean other won't enjoy it.
DISCLAIMER: Any and all opinions expressed are purely my own. I'm only trying to help. If I get any sort of flak for it, then I won't try to help again.
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Post by remington on Oct 10, 2011 16:05:10 GMT -5
I thought I'd add just a little bit to DGS's thoughts on you, Thor.
I think the 'unbelievable' storylines CAN actually work IMO, but you have to spend time building them in each individual fed you're in. Obviously since none of us have read your stuff prior to the EHWF, suddenly having this character in charge of so much does seem unbelievable in a bad way...but you can EASILY fix that by giving more and more back story to make it understandable.
For example, in the next few months, I will 100% be returning with some of my fantasy angles. Now, of course this is unbelievable, but I've never had anyone question these stories, because in each and every fed, I've given so much backstory and built so much in each individual fed to this story that it can almost become believable. Powerhouse, for example, was involved in a storyline regarding a Dark Lord, regarding immortality, regarding a whole lot of things that is simply not believable. But where I disagree with DGS is in the premise that to have a successful character, you 100% HAVE to be believable, to a degree. You can have these outrageous storylines, but you can make said outrageous storylines with more backstory/building the storyline in each individual fed as opposed to assuming we should just automatically buy into it.
Just my two cents to add on to DGS's two sense, which in turn makes four whopping cents!
P.S. Also, when I say building the back story and establishing the story in this fed even more, you don't want to do it all in one or two roleplays. Build up to it over the course of time; you don't want to overwhelm anyone with the unique storyline. That's the best way IMO of making it work; give it in small doses each and every time. Make it interesting too; don't just give a bunch of random facts like you're giving a history lesson. Have some cliffhangers, make us want to read future rps to find out more. That's how you can make the unbelievable believable, and thus make it work to your benefit.
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Post by rockyj on Oct 10, 2011 18:03:13 GMT -5
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Post by dgs on Oct 10, 2011 20:06:00 GMT -5
But where I disagree with DGS is in the premise that to have a successful character, you 100% HAVE to be believable, to a degree. You can have these outrageous storylines, but you can make said outrageous storylines with more backstory/building the storyline in each individual fed as opposed to assuming we should just automatically buy into it. Upon taking another look at some of Thor's work, I find myself agreeing with this. If the marker of a successful character was 100% believability, the Undertaker would be an impossibility. What is necessary, however, is to make the unbelievable believable (if that makes sense). We, as readers, have to buy into the imaginary world that has been placed before us, something that really isn't very hard to achieve. Also - feedback for Rocky J will be up within 12 24 hours. |
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Post by drakecoleman on Oct 14, 2011 10:37:59 GMT -5
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Post by dgs on Oct 29, 2011 22:53:07 GMT -5
My apologies to Rocky and Drake for getting so far behind on this. Real life - you know how that particular schpiel goes.
At any rate, I can't help but feel like I've slighted the two men mentioned above. So, to make it up to you guys, I'll gladly feedback a more recent RP of yours (also, the links you gave me expired when the RPs were archived so I don't know which ones they are anymore).
Go ahead and link me to 'em if you like, and I'll get it posted here (and PM'ed to you, Drake) as soon as Davidly possible.
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Post by drakecoleman on Oct 30, 2011 9:15:12 GMT -5
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Post by La Familia Gómez on Oct 30, 2011 12:25:56 GMT -5
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Post by dgs on Nov 1, 2011 17:58:52 GMT -5
Feedback - Rocky J
All righty. Before I get into the promo itself, I'm going to go on record as saying that I'm not a fan of aligning everything differently - Rocky's speech on one side, Stahl's on the other, and action in the center. It goes against the eye's natural muscle memory for reading, and it messes up the paragraph spacing as well.
But that's just my personal take on it; if you like it that way, then by all means keep it.
Now, onto the promo itself: I liked it. The whole interview thing was markedly different than most promos around here, my own included; I thought the inclusion of the blog was particularly innovative.
That said, there were several things that I didn't think were quite believable. Chief among these were Rocky beating up both his dad and his stepdad. I think that writers often turn to violence (or in this case, recounted violence) as a way to immediately lend tension to the narrative, but I don't think it really worked here. Some of Rocky's dialogue also hit me funny - wouldn't they censor profanity on a show like 60 Minutes?
Those both may seem like minor details, but oftentimes the minor details are what make or break a story.
Other than little stuff like that, I enjoyed the promo. You told a good story and did a good job of using Rocky's past to explain why a second chance is so meaningful to him. Good stuff.
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